One theme throughout this course is that sexual development and behavior is not black-and-white. As discussed in Lesson One, sexual development is made up of many parts, and many factors influence those parts. This is why it is challenging to place behavior into a single category, including even normative behavior. Use the information you learn about normative sexual development and behavior as guidelines rather than hard and fast rules. Remember that normative sexual behavior in students is typical and follows a developmental sequence but also varies depending on the individual.

Know

Normative Sexual Development and Behavior

Whether you teach kindergartners or high school seniors, all of your students began their sexual development journey at the same point—birth. Imagine that you have gone back in time to that point, when your students were newborns. Newborn babies learn through being held, rocked, and fed that physical touch is soothing and enjoyable. Once infants develop more motor control, they begin to explore all parts of their bodies including their genitals. Touching private parts is often one of the first sexual behaviors caregivers observe in children. The term “private parts” is used to refer to genitals, breasts, buttocks, or areas of the body usually covered by a swimsuit. While touching genitals is considered a sexual behavior because it involves a body part or is a topic we consider private, it is important that you think of behavior from the viewpoint of the individual child. As students grow, so does their understanding of what is sexual, and we must remember not to sexualize, or place unnecessary sexual meaning, on behaviors we observe in students.

By the time your students enter school, they will have had diverse experiences and be at different points on their sexual development journey. Elementary students showing curiosity about bodily differences, middle school students telling each other sexual jokes, and high school students holding hands in the hallway are all examples of exploratory, normative sexual behaviors. You may see normative sexual behavior referred to as “sex play” in younger students due to its curious and innocent nature. Review the chart below to learn other examples of normative sexual development and behavior for students at different developmental stages.

What are your thoughts on the normative sexual behaviors described in the chart above? Have you observed these behaviors when working with students? The lines between expected ages for normative sexual behavior can be unclear and are influenced by students’ family experiences. Be aware that there are normative behaviors for some students not included in the chart above. For example, some mothers choose to extend breastfeeding well beyond infancy and toddlerhood. It may be normative for a child who breastfeeds through their preschool or early elementary years to continue to nestle with and touch their mother’s breasts beyond the age of 6. Another way that family environments influence sexual knowledge is through their child’s media exposure. It is common for some families to have the television or electronic devices on throughout the day, with varying levels of awareness and supervision regarding the content. Students who have viewed or heard adult media content may have somewhat more advanced knowledge of sex and adult relationships. You might hear a student with such a family environment use sexually explicit language or tell jokes of a sexual nature. This student may not understand the effects of these actions, rather they simply imitate what they have seen on the TV or screens at home.

Responding to Sexual Behavior: In the Moment

In Lesson One, you were able to reflect on any discomfort you may have about sexual development and behavior. Remember, it can take time to change practices as you learn new information. Even for educators with knowledge and experience with child and youth sexual behavior, it is common to respond to student’s sexual behaviors by panicking or becoming flustered. Although sexual behavior is typical, and most of what you will likely observe in students is normative, it is still important to teach students boundaries and provide support. Review the following guidelines for how to respond to student’s sexual behavior in the moment.

Pause

The first part of a best practice response to an observed sexual behavior is to pause. This allows you to collect your thoughts and remain calm so you can take a few moments to think about the behavior you’ve observed. It’s OK if you need to step away from the situation, as long as you make sure students are unharmed and appropriately supervised. For example, in a second grade classroom you observe Abby touching Pablo’s genitals over clothing in the reading center. While you see that this is innocent play and both students are laughing, pause and resist any urge you may have to yell, “Stop!” or “No touching there!”

Redirect

Redirect sexual behavior using positive guidance by providing other ways for students to engage. You might do this by suggesting activities or changing the routine or environment. It’s important to maintain a calm facial expression and tone of voice when redirecting. You can redirect Abby and Pablo by saying, “Let’s puts the books away and choose a different center, please.” Showing a stronger response, such as anger or worry, can be upsetting to students and may create heightened reactions on their part. Be aware that it is important not to shame students.

Listen

If the students involved are able to communicate what happened, you should follow-up after the incident using open-ended questions and thoughtfully listen to their responses. Having another adult present for these conversations can be helpful so that they can document the conversation while you listen attentively to the student’s responses. Understanding what happened from student’s viewpoints helps you know the function or why the behavior occurred. However, be aware that many students will not understand why they engage in sexual behaviors. This is especially true for students who are still learning what is public versus private and are developing an understanding of real versus pretend. Students may be inclined to lie about what was going on, especially if they sense there was wrongdoing or know that their actions are taboo. While we don’t encourage students to lie, recognize that this shows they likely understand that the behavior is inappropriate for the school setting. Some students with developmental delays will not be able to communicate their viewpoint. Remember to think about the development and environment of these students to gain perspective on why they engage in sexual behavior. You can later ask Abby and Pablo separately, “What were you and (Abby/Pablo) playing in the reading center?”

TEACH

Use developmentally appropriate language and positive guidance to teach students rules and expectations. It may be appropriate to label behaviors using simple language so that elementary-age students learn how to respond about the behaviors they engage in, especially for students with emerging language skills. For Abby and Pablo, you can revisit safe and unsafe touch individually and with the entire class by discussing examples and having the students practice asking for and declining permission to touch.

Because culture and family norms will vary, there are likely behaviors that are acceptable for students to engage in at home but not in your school. It’s important to acknowledge when students may have different rules at home, some students may argue with you; for example, “Mom lets me do it.” Be respectful of families’ choices around sexual knowledge and behavior (as long as there are not signs of abuse). Criticizing families’ decisions in front of students creates confusion for the students and may insult families.

Responding to Sexual Behavior: After the Fact

Once you have observed and responded to student’s sexual behavior in the moment, you will follow-up with additional steps. Again, student’s sexual behavior is not black-and-white, and you may need time to process what happened and how you responded. Work with a trusted coworker during these steps so you know you are moving forward in a way that best supports the students involved.

Reflect

The first step in responding to sexual behavior after the fact is to reflect on your observation and document the behavior to determine the frequency, patterns and whether the behavior is normative. The Sexual Behavior Reflection Tool walks you through this process, though you may need a member of your school’s leadership team to help you, guide you, or discuss it with you. If you answer yes to the six questions in the reflection tool, the sexual behavior is most likely normative. Remember that this is not black and white, and there will be times when you cannot confidently answer yes or no. It may be helpful to complete the Sexual Development Definition and Factors handout to help you gather all related information about the students involved and determine appropriate action steps. Both of these documents are in the Apply section.

Prepare

Be prepared in case you observe the same sexual behavior again. Remember that normative behavior is usually infrequent, so the students involved may not engage in the behavior again while under your supervision. But because normative sexual behaviors are common among students, you might observe the same behaviors in other students. Prepare with a trusted colleague or administrator how in the future, you will carry out the steps to respond in the moment: pause, redirect, listen, and teach. Use the Responding to Sexual Behavior handout in the Apply section as a quick reference to map out your plans.

Communicate

Collaborate with a trusted colleague or a member of your school’s leadership team to determine whether you should communicate to families’ about their student’s sexual behavior. This should be decided on a case-by-case basis. In some instances, where for example you may have introduced a student to a new term, it is best to let the student’s family know that this has occurred and why. Other times, such as when a student demonstrates an isolated (no other students are involved) and normative behavior, you and a trusted colleague or school leader may determine that the situation is similar to any other time you would redirect and support a student. In this case, you may not feel the need to highlight the incident more than what you would typically communicate with the family. If a family asks you about a specific sexual behavior or development, you should of course be respectful, honest, and objective in providing feedback.

See

Supportive responses from adults help students learn expected behavior in the school setting and develop healthy relationships. As you listen to Ms. Tomeshia Barnes of the Department of Defense Education Activity, reflect on ways you can implement the steps discussed.

Do

Promoting Healthy Sexual Development and Preventing Sexual Behavior Challenges

Promotion and prevention are important concepts for educators, and these also apply to sexual development and behavior. You can promote healthy sexual development and prevent sexual behavior challenges by empowering students with knowledge about their bodies, their rights, and safe behaviors. Consider your classroom-management style and how it can prevent sexual behavior challenges. Active supervision, established routines, and classroom setup all play important roles in keeping students safe. Review the suggestions below and reflect on how you may already be doing these things and whether there are new ideas you would like to implement.

Elementary and Early Middle School Students

• Teach parts of the body using correct terminology.
• Respond to questions about bodies and the life cycle with simple, developmentally appropriate answers. “The hole in your penis is your urethra.” “The lumps under my shirt are my breasts.” “Babies grow inside a mother.”
• Our bodies change as we grow, and our bodies are all different.
• Continue to teach and label “safe touch” and “unsafe touch.”
• Teach students to ask permission, even when using safe touch. “Can I hold your hand?”
• Teach students to read each other’s cues and healthy ways to express emotions. “How did Leah feel when you put your hands on her legs?”
• Teach students the characteristics of friendship and respect (beginning anti-bullying concepts).
• Teach personal space using simple language, “bubble” or “Hula Hoop.”
• Continue with simple rules:
  • “We keep our private parts covered.”
  • “We don’t touch others’ private parts.”
  • “No one should see your private parts unless you need help keeping your body clean.”
  • “No one should touch you in ways that make you feel sad or hurt.”
• “Private” is when you are alone and “public” is when you are with other people.
• Teach students to ask for permission before taking any pictures or video of others.
• Teach students that they should give permission before others take pictures or video of them.
• It is OK to touch your private parts when you are alone.
• Actively supervise students in school environments
• Your body is special and it is yours.
• Have readily available information on sexual development and behavior for families.

Middle and High School Students

• Provide accurate information about puberty, reproduction, and the life cycle.
• Use accurate information to answer questions about sex and sexual health.
• Teach students to ask permission, even when using acceptable forms of touch.
• Teach concepts of healthy relationships, including friendships and romantic partners.
• Teach students to read each other’s cues and respectfully disagree on opinions and preferences while maintaining relationships and friendships.
• Reinforce ways to treat yourself and others with respect and dignity.
• Inform students that they can speak with trusted adults in school if they have private questions or concerns.
• Create clear rules around personal space, privacy, dating and signs of affection, and use of technology.
• Reinforce that students should ask for permission before taking any pictures or video of others.
• Reinforce that students should give permission before others take any pictures or video of them.
• Teach students to prevent, recognize, and respond to bullying.
• Teach students the importance of knowing the legal rulings in their state regarding permission versus consent for sexual interactions.
• Introduce the concept of sexual harassment.
• Teach students about the various types of abuse.
• Teach students that masturbation is normal and healthy but a private activity.
• Actively supervise students in school environments.
• Have female hygiene products available (average onset of menstruation in the U.S. is 12 years).
• Have readily available information on sexual development and sexual health for families.