Know

Diversity and Inclusion of Gender Expansive and LGBTQ Families

Diversity and inclusion are important topics in most organizations, including and perhaps especially, child and youth programs. We want all people within the program to know they are valued and the program community accepts and cares for them. When a program has a strong commitment to diversity and inclusion, the differences among people in the program are viewed as assets that strengthen the entire community, and members of the program actively work to make sure all children and families have a chance to contribute in ways that feel comfortable and supportive. A diverse and inclusive environment actually benefits all individuals in the community. While an inclusive program helps ensure the safety and positive development of individuals who have historically faced discrimination and prejudice, it also promotes a greater exchange of perspectives, ideas and creativity that aids in the knowledge-building and development of all members. There are many ways child care providers can create safe and inclusive environments and celebrate diversity. Listening carefully to individuals’ experiences is a first step in honoring and celebrating diversity.

Diversity within families takes many forms; for example, children may be raised by grandparents, an incarcerated parent, a parent whose race is different from their own, or two mothers. It is important to remember that a child who has a gender-expansive or LGBTQ family member, regardless of the child’s identity, is still impacted by a non-inclusive environment. Children with gender-expansive or LGBTQ parents or guardians who hear non-inclusive, transphobic, or homophobic language in the program will be negatively affected. In addition, when children consistently receive messages that assume men and women must be romantically paired with each other, or that there are certain behaviors or characteristics that are inherently masculine or feminine, they may feel isolated from their peers because their experiences do not match those assumed to be the experiences of all children. Examples of these kinds of actions include assuming that a child will be heterosexual when they grow up, for example by making comments such as “Little Joey loves to flirt with Anna,” and assuming that all youth have a father to give a Father’s Day present. Exploring the language and practices that support all children is one way to create and maintain a diverse and inclusive program.

Take a few minutes to reflect on these questions:

1. What is your understanding of diversity and inclusion? How do issues related to gender or sexual orientation fit into your understanding of diversity and inclusion?
2. Does your program feel diverse or inclusive? How or in what ways? What are some areas for improvement?

According to Gender Spectrum, schools, child care centers, and school-age programs do the following things if they support diversity and inclusion for gender-expansive or LGBTQ children and/or family members.

• Recognize that views on and messages about gender affect all children and youth. As discussed in Lesson Three, all children can benefit from an environment where all people, regardless of their assigned or expressed gender, can be the people they are, explore the careers, sports or hobbies they want, and wear what feels comfortable to them. 
• Challenge binary or strictly “male/female” notions of gender. As we’ll see in Lesson Five, there are specific ways you can help children and youth think of gender more broadly, and in less confined, ways.
• Normalize gender diversity. You can do this in the way you respond to diverse gender expression, again using the responses you learned in Lesson One to acknowledge, affirm, or advocate, and by offering stories that include characters with more broad expressions of gender (e.g., a boy who enjoys wearing dresses, or a woman who leads the group of superheroes).
• Question limited portrayals of gender. For example, take time to pause in the middle of a story to ask reflective questions. Or point out disputing evidence to help question limited portrayals of gender. If a character in a story says, “but pink is a girl’s color!” You could ask, “Wait, is pink just for girls?” and help to lead a conversation, perhaps saying, “John’s dad loves to wear his pink suit jacket, and I noticed that just yesterday Michael used pink to make his powerful T-Rex dinosaur for our display.” For school-agers, you can help lead even more sophisticated conversations. “Why do you think there are only boys pictured on the boxes of our new sports equipment? What do you think this says about who is supposed to play or enjoy sports? How might that make different people feel about their love of sports or affect younger children’s interest in sports?”
• Support children’s and youths’ self-reflection. Ask all children to think about when they feel powerful? When they feel scared? What they do when they feel sad? Or to think about how others help them feel comfortable “being themselves.”
• Teach empathy and respect. To encourage empathy, ask children to reflect on how different characters in stories feel, or even how different responses may make their peers feel. Ensuring that you speak up when a child addresses another child in a disrespectful way; for example, making it clear that words such as “fag” or “queer,” or phrases such as “that is so gay” are not kind or respectful, and that teasing or taunting someone’s gender expression is not okay. For young children, if children begin to tease a classmate for wearing a flowery dress, a caregiver could intervene to say, “Everyone in our program is allowed to wear what they like” or “Everyone in our program is allowed to try the different dress-up clothes. I sometimes like to try on the feathery boa or the striped tie.” The caregiver could also follow-up privately with the children doing the teasing to offer perspective and support the development of empathy, “When you laughed at Joel today, I saw that he looked sad. Can you think of a time when others laughed at you? How did that make you feel? How do you think you could respond next time Joel wears a dress?”

Intersectionality

Programs that support gender-expansive and LGBTQ children or youth also recognize that each person may experience their gender and sexual identity differently based on other aspects of themselves. Individuals experience the world in different ways for many different reasons. Take a moment to think of your different identities, such as race, religion, or age. How have your identities affected your own experience of inclusion in different settings in your life? What made you feel safe and valued?

Although gender-expansive and LGBTQ individuals will likely experience some form of discrimination or oppression during their lifetimes, the experience will not be the same for each person. For example, if you are a Catholic, Latino transgender person from a rural area, your experiences will likely be different from that of a nonreligious white transgender person from an urban area. Intersectionality describes how an individual’s many social identities come together and influence the unique way they experience the world, including discrimination and oppression in society. Many aspects of our identities can influence how we experience the world: age, gender identity, race, ethnicity, religion, and sexual orientation are just some examples. Understanding this can make caregivers more sensitive in their responses.

We cannot assume that all gender-expansive children or LGBTQ children and youth will encounter the same experiences or that they will understand their experiences in the same way. What one gender-expansive individual may experience as discrimination may be different from that of another person. Just because one individual may not be bothered or offended by certain language or responses does not mean that all gender-expansive or LGBTQ individuals will feel the same way. This is another area where active listening (discussed in Lesson Three) is critical. By listening carefully to the experiences of each child or youth, you can understand each child’s unique experience as it relates to their gender identity.  As noted in earlier lessons, this is why it is so important to ask how people want to be addressed. Careful listening helps create an environment where children, youth and families feel safe letting you know when language or experiences in a program make them feel isolated. When providers acknowledge the messages children and families share, they can learn new language or alter experiences to make their program more inclusive.

Family Experience

When a family member is gender-expansive or LGBTQ, it is sometimes a process for other family members to reach a point of understanding and acceptance. Parents who saw their child as either a boy or girl are forced to reconcile that their story of who their child was doesn’t match the child’s experience. Family members of gender-expansive or LGBTQ children often struggle to understand their children’s identities. For some families, this process is a long journey. The level of acceptance varies based on many factors, including geographical, familial, and community connections.

Families who are grappling with understanding their child’s sexual or gender identity often feel surprised. Men sometimes have a harder time accepting their children’s experienced identity due to the more rigid ideas about how males are supposed to dress, look or behave in U.S. culture. There is typically more flexibility in terms of how women can dress and behave socially than there is for men. Some transgender girls who were assigned male at birth have a more difficult time with their gender expression due to the more rigid social “rules” often expressed to men. It is important to understand how gender norms in your community can have a very real impact on transgender people. In mainstream U.S. culture, girls are less discriminated against for being ‘tomboys’ than are boys who want to wear dresses whether they are expressing gender-expansive identities or are transgender.

If family members express struggle with their child’s gender expression, it may be helpful again to use active listening (see Lesson Three) to understand and validate their experiences. You can also call on the ideas of acknowledging, affirming or advocating, introduced in Lesson One. Take a moment to imagine a father of a 3-year-old child assigned male at birth who has shown over the past six months more and more interest in stereotypically feminine things like skirts and dresses, playing with dolls, and playing the care-taker role in most dramatic play opportunities. The father approaches you and says, “I just can’t let my son wear a dress to his mother’s coming-home ceremony—I’ll be so embarrassed!”

Responding with something like, “I hear this is an important day for your family and you are worried about feeling embarrassed” is an important first step to recognize a family member’s feelings. It talks in the “here and now” on where that family member is on their journey. It opens the space for the family member to share more if they are ready. If the family member asks for more information, you can share what you notice about the child’s expression in your program space - What does the child really enjoy doing at the program? Are there ways or places in which the child continually spends their time? How does the child ask to be addressed? Remember in these conversations to share information about the whole child, as their gender expression and identity are only parts of who the child is. You can share other aspects of their personality, likes and strengths. Doing this helps both you and the family see the child more fully.

Connecting families with additional resources and supports can be helpful. Consult with your program for the most appropriate local agencies or supports for families. With the guidance and approval of your training and curriculum specialist or program manager, you, or the appropriate people in your program setting, can also share additional information with families. The Apply sections throughout this course have additional resources that can be helpful to families (see the Apply section in Lesson Five for a larger list of organizations that can provide families with additional information). The Gender Spectrum website has a section devoted to Parents and Families to help them better understand children or youth who demonstrate gender-expansive behavior, as well as resources for children and youth.

Family members may seek your advice on how to respond to their child who is gender-expansive or LGBTQ. You do not have to give advice, but with the help of your training and curriculum specialist or program manager, you can be prepared to direct families to additional resources if asked. It is always appropriate to tell a parent you do not have the answer or information they need, but you, or others in your program, will do research and get back to them. In addition, you need to be prepared to state your commitment to ensuring all children in the program feel safe, secure and valued. A simple statement like, “I want to make sure that Meghan knows she is safe here, that we care for her, and that she is a good person” can help to reiterate to a family member your commitment to supporting all children in the setting.

The following is a list of affirming parenting behaviors from Justin Clark and Gender Spectrum. These are also practices that help caregivers create and maintain safe spaces for gender-expansive or LGBTQ children and youth. 

1. Create a supportive environment where there is a commitment to the well-being of the child. Families are frequently worried about the discrimination or bullying their LGBTQ or gender-expansive child will face in various contexts. If families and staff members ensure a safe space at home or in programs where the child is loved, cared for and valued, this can create a buffer for the more negative experiences they may encounter elsewhere.
2. Require respectful treatment. Family members or staff members in your program may have different beliefs about expansive gender expression or sexual identities; however, it is important within your program that all caregivers assert that they expect others to behave and speak respectfully around and about all children and families, including gender-expansive and LGBTQ individuals.
3. Express support for the child’s gender expression. Gender Spectrum responds to the question, “What does this look like?” by providing the following guidance, “It means allowing them to choose, without pressure or unspoken messages, the clothes they wish to wear, how and with whom they play, their favorite toys, the accessories they favor, the manner in which they wear their hair, and the decorations and images with which they surround themselves.” This also means that adults who are struggling with a child’s gender expression or identity should speak to other adults about their conflicting feelings, not with the child.
4. Have zero tolerance for negative, disrespectful comments or pressure. Program staff can refuse to have anyone, regardless of the child’s presence, say anything negative about the child, and that if this is violated, the staff member follows up in a firm way that makes clear their commitment to their child’s well-being. When these situations arise, it is important to involve your program manager or training and curriculum specialist.
5. Maintain open and honest communication with the child and family. When family members and children can remain open about their journey, they can find the support they need.

Think back to Lesson One and the definitions of acknowledgement, affirmation, and advocacy. The suggestions above encompass all of these aspects. Some family members may not be ready to acknowledge their child’s gender identity or expression or their LGBTQ identity. If you encounter these situations, again, it can be helpful to reaffirm your commitment to their child’s well-being.

See

Experts and families share advice and experiences on supporting families in programs around the ideas of gender identity, gender expression, and family structure. After listening, what are some ways you might help support all families?

Do

Addressing Concerns Expressed from Other Families in the Program

This lesson has primarily focused on how to help family members of children and youth who are gender-expansive or LGBTQ, or children who have gender-expansive or LGBTQ family members. In your work with children and youth, you may also encounter families who are uncomfortable with non-conforming gender expression or with LGBTQ individuals. Some families may express distress or anger over a transgender child using a particular bathroom, or a boy trying on a dress in the dress-up area, or a book about a family with two mothers on the bookshelf. If this occurs, it is important to state your commitment to the well-being of all children and families in your program.

If a father says, “Boys don’t wear dresses you know” when he observes a male child trying on the kimono in the dress-up area, a caregiver can respond in a simple way that confirms the freedom of gender expression in your program, “The children in our program have been really interested in trying all sorts of different clothes and cultural attire lately. The kimonos have been a real hit!”

Be prepared with simple statements that confirm your commitment to creating a safe space for all children in the program. Here are some to try:

• In response to statements where family members express anger or disapproval about the inclusion of books, pictures or materials that reflect families with LGBTQ members, including parents, you could say, “We want to make sure that all children in our program see their families represented so they feel valued. We have lots of books that show a mom and a dad, also.” This helps to show that different kinds of families are represented.
• In response to statements where family members express anger or disapproval at the display of, or acceptance of non-conforming gender expression, or the program’s commitment to allowing transgender children to participate in the program in a way that matches their experienced identity, you could say, “We work to make sure that every child is safe and respected in the program.”

If a family member begins to engage in negative comments about particular children or their families, especially in front of children in the program, you can state:

“My job is to help ensure the safety and security of all the children in our program; it is not a choice to say those comments here.” It would also be important to inform your program manager or training and curriculum specialist so they can provide additional support. 

It will be rare that a family member expresses such negative concern, but being prepared can not only help make it easier on you, but also be an important voice of security for the children and youth in your program.