When supporting children with sexual behavior challenges, we may be more likely to communicate in ways that are ineffective or even harmful due to stress. The following “roadblocks to communication,” by Thomas Gordon (Parent Effectiveness Training, 1970, pp. 41-47, 108-117, and 321-27) are forms of communication that may discourage communication. In particular, these roadblocks may make the other person feel that they are being attacked or they may elicit defensiveness. Consider your own communication style and consider which roadblocks you may use intentionally or unintentionally. Place a check mark on any that you may struggle with.

Judging the other person. It can be upsetting when individuals feel they are being judged, and this can contribute to ineffective communication or shutting down. Avoid using these types of statements:

• Criticizing. To point out the faults of another or negatively evaluate their actions or attitudes.
  “You brought this on yourself; you’ve got nobody else to blame for this mess.”

• Name-calling. Putting down or insulting another.
  “You’re an idiot.”

• Diagnosing. Analyzing another person.
  “I can read you like a book—you’re just doing that to get attention.”

Sending solutions. Offering suggestions or advice to friends or family can be a positive experience; however, in some situations it can be uncomfortable. For example, if someone asks for your opinion or for advice, it may be more positive than if you offered advice without the other person asking. Offering your opinions or solutions if unsolicited can be interpreted in a negative way despite your intentions. Avoid using the following types of statements:

• Ordering. Telling the other person what to do or what you want them to do.
  “You need to call me back immediately.”
• Threatening. Trying to control another person by warning of the negative consequences they will face if they don’t do what you want.
  “You need to use this intervention at home or I will fail your child.”
• Moralizing. Telling another person what they should do, or “preaching.”
  “You ought to apologize for showing up to the meeting late.”
• Excessive or inappropriate questioning. Close-ended questions or questions that require a one-word response shut down communication. Try using more open-ended questions:
  “Are you going to participate in this meeting?” Instead try: “How would you like to be part of the team meeting?”
• Advising. Giving the other person a solution to their problems. This can be especially problematic if you weren’t asked to give advice.
  “If I were you I would…”

Avoiding the other’s concerns. When families express their concerns with you, it’s important to acknowledge their concerns rather than to be dismissive or completely ignore their viewpoint. Avoid the following:

• Diverting. Pushing aside the other person’s comments through distraction.
  “You think that’s bad? Listen to what happened to me…”